Amazon.com One-Star Reviews - Part 3: Movies

This is the third installment in a three-part series on One-Star Customer Reviews at Amazon.com (hat tip Johnny Dee).

Below are excerpts from dozens of Amazon.com Customer Reviews of noteworthy films. In each critique, the author ascribes a lowly One Star to a movie that normally maintains Five-Star status in the artistic canon. It's worth noting that most of these critical non-professionals would have eagerly awarded zero stars if given the opportunity.

Without question, each of these critics has their reasons, and objectivity is trumped by taste at every turn.

In almost all cases, the syntax and spelling of the original review has been carefully preserved throughout.

Amazon.com One-Star Reviews - Part 1: Books
Amazon.com One-Star Reviews - Part 2: Music
Amazon.com One-Star Reviews: The Beatles Remastered


Movies

Casablanca
Now I know it's old but it's not based on the Civil War. It's during World War II. A lot of people, including blacks, got killed so the studios could make this awfulness.

This movie steals tons of catch phrases: "Play it again", "This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship," etc. It even has a whole speech of nothing but catch phrases. Hire a screenwriter next time.

Ingrid Bergman is no Maryland Monroe.

I'm pretty sure I will enjoy it a lot more when Warner Bros finally gets around to releasing the colorized version.


Gone With The Wind
We don't need reviews on how good or bad the movie was. It's been around since 1939. People have made up their minds about it.

The movie is basically about two alcoholic, money filled, greedy, rascist brats falling in love during a war which they totally portrayed wrong.

I'm more sorry that it doesn't come with a warning label reading "Racist fantasy enclosed".

Olivia de Havilland's exceptionally bland performance of a 'saint' makes her character appear mentally retarded.

If this is what The Old South was really like, then thank God those damn Yankees won.

At no point in this movie does anyone's head explode in flames. This movie clearly fails to understand the emotional resonance a burning head can create.

This film is comparable to any "Ernest" movie, that is, without the laughs.


Lawrence of Arabia
Easily the most boring movie of all time.

"I shall be in Aqaba. That IS written". There you've just had all that's worth watching in this most protracted piece of utterly useless celluloid.

HOW ON EARTH THIS WON BEST PICTURE IS BEYOND ME. WHAT WAS RUNNER-UP "WATCHING PAINT DRY"?

To my horror, I saw that film came complete with those horrific black bars at the top and bottom of my screen, which obscured about half of the picture. I've seen those bars on the "artsy" videos, but this is a classic work of art! You don't try to make it "hip" and "relevant" with modern touches. It's like adding a moustache to the Mona Lisa.


The Godfather
When's an editor when you need one? This movie is so long that I played it on my TV, drove across the state, and when I came back, it was still playing.

This movie is as boring as a trip to the doctor's. No good violence, no hot sex scenes, and furthermore, it stereotypes Italians.

Finally saw this movie with my family and after an half hour I was thinking of running out in the middle of rush hour traffic. That would have been more exciting than watching this all the way through.

I did indeed sit through all 57 hours of the Godfather and not only is it one of the most boring movies ever made it's completely pointless garbage.

"The Godfather" has an ugly consciousness and a mean spirit. I see no justification for it, thoroughly disliked it, and have tried to forget it.


Annie Hall
I've always resisted watching this movie because it was awarded the Oscar for Best Picture over "Star Wars."

Let me acknowledge Woody's intelligence, but I always felt like slapping the guy.

Diane Keaton won an undeserved oscar for this role. Why? I dont know. It isn't that great.

We eventually decided that BOTH characters tie Jar-Jar Binks for "Most Annoying Screen Persona in History"!

Annie Hall is Allen's attempt to be Groucho Marx.


Star Wars
Star Wars is the biggest fluke in movie history. This movie was never meant to succede, and I don't understand how it got so big.

Star Wars, to quote the neo-marxists, is one truly OFFENSIVE movie against someone's intellect.

Darth Rader (or something) is a born again Adolph Hitler with much wider goals: conquer the UNIVERSE (rather than our forgettable planet) at all costs.

He ripped off Dune.

Let the farce be with you.


E.T. The Extraterrestrial
The movie is very representative of the eighties, that is to say with an American family of the middle class, with a good dog and a great barbecue.

I don't believe in any kind of extra terrestrials. The few that I do believe in don't look like E.T. at all.

There must have some kind of trick photography when they made this because I can't really believe in this at all.

If you found an alien in your backyard, would you secretly keep him and not tell your parents?

This film is clearly made for mass market moronic consumption. Thank-you Mr Spielberg-McDonalds-Global-Industrial-Complex!

The alien looks like my old carpet.

The music is often tearful with a lot of tremolos.


Pulp Fiction
I know there are a lot of technical terms associated with a movie production like screenplay, direction, plot, acting, etc. Unfortunately I don't know the definitions of most of them.

I didn't like how it tried to be too original. I want a movie I can read from cover to cover.

Pulp Garbage would have been a better title.

It's a movie for STRAIGHT WHITE MALE GEEKS.

The tremendously under-talented Bruce Willis made this film difficult for me to watch.

John Travolta is awful. I nicknamed him John Revolta after seeing this.

As for the use of the "N" word, I wonder what Tarantino would do if Spike Lee made a movie where Italians were called nasty names?

This was like Elmore Leonard on an off day.

In closing, Uma Thurman just can't dance...


Fargo
This movie is quite possibly the worst movie that's ever been made outside of Ed Wood.

My review of this film comes from the heart of my middle finger.

It is not funny, and does not make an effort to be funny beyond presenting a handful of talented actors filling two hours with empty ridicule of the prairie accent.

I'm from North Dakota and we don't talk like that. I have NEVER heard anyone under age 70 say "Darn tootin'."

OK, so you're making a movie ... and you stick your wife in the leading role ... But, there's a problem: She's a dreadful actress ... Solution? Convince the starved American audience the entire thing is "quirky".

I ordered a book off of a Christian category and this movie popped up as being recommended. My husband and I watched it one night while our children were gone. Thank goodness.

What a shame that a Midwesterner (Thomas Edison) invented motion pictures, when this is how Hollywood's spoiled children use his invention to portray his people.

I would rather watch a Jerry Lewis telethon straight through than ever watch this movie again.


LOTR: The Return of the King
This Movie Is horable!!!!!!!

How the hell does a 4 hour movie win best editing?

These clowns have dismantled the Colosseum to build a Wal-Mart.

The filmakers substitue endless, incoherent battle scenes in place of story-telling.

The fab three cant be killed after 5 endings and 10 battles where they are outnumbered 1000-1?

The entire mess is shoulder-deep in god-awful special effects. They are about the furthest thing imaginable from the masterly use of visuals in the Empire Strikes Back.

Could the last part of the movie be longer? The ring is destroyed, the movie fades out, and I'm like oh thank god, it's over. But no, it goes on for another hour.

Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated Bloated OVERACTED

I give it one star because I have to and because by some accident they got Gollum right.

By the way LOTR freaks, there is no Middle Earth!


Lost in Translation
If you have seen the movie and were not impressed by it, do not feel bad. There's nothing wrong with you.

I am convinced the movie was filmed in one day and the rest of the money that was supposed to go toward making it was stolen.

I think the popularity among critics is that it shows an 18 year old who actually has an attraction to a geezer.

I fogot to say that the first thing you see in this movie is the buttocks of Johanson in her panties. What for? When a movie starts like that, can you expect anything good?

Lost in Translation is a new code word amongst friends meaning GET ME OUT OF HERE!

This movie did more to undermine the credibility of the Academy than "The Crying Game".

I would rather have my teeth cleaned then watch this again.

This is worse than an imitation crab-stick.

I've tried to figure out how Bill Murray could have gotten himself involved in a project like this. My conclusion: he lost a bet!


Amazon.com One-Star Reviews - Part 1: Books
Amazon.com One-Star Reviews - Part 2: Music
Amazon.com One-Star Reviews: The Beatles Remastered